Dirty Harry‘s gun is so powerful that loading it with .44 Magnums and firing it untrained would most likely break your shoulder, if not completely rip your arm off like it done got ‘naded. Though the Smith & Wesson Model 29 existed before the movie, Eastwood showed the world just how awesome this man’s pistol really is.
8-Barrel Duck’s Foot Pistol
Place this shot well enough, and you could kill eight dudes at once. Provided they are standing very still in a semi-circle. The old-timey duck’s foot pistol fired eight shots at once. After you shoot, you can fall back on the knife that comes out of one of the forward-facing barrels, or the spiked butt of the pistol.
Seriously, why do criminal jerks target old people? And then not only rob them, but often assault them? Butts. They best get ready for Revenge of the Elderly, though, as the Palm Pistol firearm is going to change the game. It’s a single-shot pistol that fires with the thumb–easy for even the most fragile senior. They’re taking pre-orders now, so get over there if your Meemaw’s got the need to pop a cap in her nursing home roommate’s wrinkly old hinder.
Diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I’d much rather wear this ring gun for my engagement. Though those bullets look smaller than .22s, they can probably do some serious damage. If not, then consider this a slightly more violent handshake icebreaker to replace the joy buzzer.
What’s more gangsta than a Glock turned sideways? How about two Glocks turned sideways? The Double Glock is basically that, with a scope between the two guns. Seriously, of all the machine pistols I would not want to face, this tops the list–not least due to the shooter’s baldhead/mustache combo.
Tactical Revolver Shotgun
Besides their short range, the only downside of packing a shotgun is how much you need to reload. Not anymore, thanks to sweet Russian weapons manufacturer KBP’s unholy marriage of shotgun and revolver. The five-shot weapon can either fire double or single shots.
G.R.A.D. Knife Gun
It’s a knife with a gun for a handle, which is immediately awesome–until you realize you’re more than likely not going to be able to handle such a weapon. Seriously, none of us have the coordination necessary not to shoot ourselves in the gut while stabbing a dude, or vice versa.
The Gyrojet doesn’t look like much, but it’s basically a handheld mini rocket launcher. Feel bad for judging it by its size now? Yeah, it gets that a lot. Instead of relying on gunpowder, the Gyrojet is basically a vessel for independtly-powered rocket bullets–maybe you’ve seen it in You Only Live Twice? Yeah, that thing’s real! Hilariously, though, if someone pulls one of these on you, you can just stick your finger in the barrel to stop it–it needs time to build up significant speed.
COP 357 Derringer
Thought Bullestorm invented the four-barrel? Nope. They’ve been around at least as long as the COP .357 Derringer, a pocket blaster designed for off-duty cops who can handle firing four .357 Magnums. You might recognize the gun from Blade Runner, Battlestar Galactica, or Team Fortress 2 (where it’s known as Shortstop).
The Pocketwatch Gun is perfect for the violent, dandy fop in your life who is currently launching his own Victorian answer to the Renaissance Faire (actually someone please make this). It’s a normal-looking pocketwatch that conceals a gun that fires, get this, .3 mm bullets. I would’ve suspected .03 mms at most. At least you have your own built-in catchphrase: fill in your own clever, violent response to “Do you know what time it is?”
Pernach Mace and Wheellock Pistol
This is how they did it in 16th Century Saxony, baby. Once you’ve fired your pistol, you can go about beating lowlifes on and about the skull with the built-in mace (the medieval bludgeoning kind, not the pepper spray kind).
Blunderbuss Bayonet Pistols
Blunderbusses (blunderbi?) are already awesome to begin with, what with their Dick Cheney-esque shot-scattering and pirateishness. But throw some some deployable knives on those pups and things just got for real serious.
Ladies Muff Pistol
The Ladies Muff Pistol wins for its name (teehee) as well as for the fact it was carried by prostitutes. Though it’s super-teensy, it made more noise than regular handguns and did its job of scaring off creepy types in the age of Jack the Ripper.
The Apache Gun wasn’t used by Native Americans, but French gangsters in the early 1990s. Part brass knuckles, part pistol, part knife, all awesome.
Underwater Assault Rifle
You can take your chance on that old sea hag’s tale about punching sharks in the nose, or you can light their asses up with an underwater assault rifle. Really, your choice.
Stinger Pen Gun
You can’t buy these anymore, but once upon a time you could actually own a sub-$300 pistol disguised as a simple pen. Unbelievably, they did still make this after 9/11. Took a few years for the gun police to catch up to this Bond-level technology (with Bond-level lady model), I guess.
Bent Barrel Sturmgewehr
No, this isn’t a gun some NRA dude made into an end table. This is an actual, rather unwieldy Nazi gun designed to shoot up and over the tops of bunkers. The shooter remained hidden from enemies while picking them off through the periscope sights.
Nazi Belt Buckle Pistol
Too bad this hidden belt-buckle pistol was only used by some Nazi officers, otherwise they could have all accidentally shot their own peeners off in a totally just and ironic accidental sterilization. Designed for use in the event of capture, the belt buckle contained two two-inch barrels that fired tiny bullets. Leave your best tiny Nazi privates joke in the comments below!
Cell Phone Gun
As soon as someone makes fun of you for having a crappy-ass phone, you can pull it apart and blast them in the face. On the reals, though, this gun-masquerading-as-cell-phone was discovered by the Italian government. A poor man’s Bond taking an econo-holiday in the countryside, perhaps?
Now this is what I should’ve gotten for an L.A. Noire pre-order bonus. In the late 30s, somebody decided to rig a camera to a Colt .38 revolver that took a picture every time the trigger was pulled, capturing evidence of what your victim was doing at the time he or she got popped. This sounds like something the LAPD should be forcibly assigned to carry.
Folding Machine Gun
See this dorky, commercial-grade flashlight? Sike, it’s a folded-up machine gun. By the time you get over the MagPul FMG-9 you’ll be an open-faced meat sandwich.
I don’t know much about this gun, except that it is literally righteous. It also poses a question guaranteed to make robots explode in the event that they turn evil: is God so holy that He can bless Himself?
Oh, those silly Nazis. Instead of spending their Nazi gold on something useful, they built the world’s largest gun. It traveled on railways and could shoot targets up to 27 miles away. Precision was another matter entirely.
Saddam Hussein’s Golden AK-47
Saddam Hussein was a huge piece of crap, but you’ve got to give it up for him totally one-upping Bond with this insane golden gun. The gold-plated AK-47 was a gift from one of his dog poop sons, and was not even close to being Saddam’s only gilded firearm.
This AK-47, a.k.a. the “BA-K-47,” took 8 hours, a blowtorch, tons of bacon, and some drinkin’ beers to finish. Like a porcine Terminator, one way or another, it will kill you.